1 - He’s good
The Lightning should trade for William Nylander because he’s good at hockey. I could write a whole article on this but Brigs already did that over at Pension Plan Puppets so I don’t have to. Moving along.
2 - His dad played here
Hockey is all about nepotism and that’s usually bad. But in this case, it’s good. Very good. We need to to build a lineage of Nylander progeny playing in Tampa Bay. Someday, William’s son Anton will follow in the hallowed footsteps of his father and grandfather. Anton Nylander will of course be named after Anton Stralman who will become William’s beloved mentor in Tampa Bay.
3 - The photo
Can't wait until William Nylander is a UFA. Welcome home, William. pic.twitter.com/tQyAtzvAZQ— Bolt Prospects (@BoltProspects) July 2, 2018
Don’t think we really need any words for this one.
4 - To make everyone mad
This is the best reason. The outrage would be wonderful. I would bathe in it. I would heal my increasingly old and decrepit body in a sauna powered by the flaming hot takes of hockey fans angered by their spectacularly poor understanding of tax law. No fair!, they’ll shout. Florida has no state income tax! And we will laugh. Oh how we’ll laugh as the rest of the hockey world concocts an increasingly elaborate tax law headcanon in which Tampa Bay is operating like a pirate colony while everyone else has to play by the rules of a civilized society.
5 - We have the need for Swedes
Victor Hedman and Anton Stralman are great but we need more Swedes. First, Nylander. We already have two defenders. We need a forward for balance. And then next summer, Erik Karlsson. Turn Tampa Bay into New Stockholm. We. Need. Swedes.
How are we going to make that all work under the cap? That leads us directly to the next reason the Lightning need to trade for Nylander.
6 - Because &#@! a salary cap
You heard me.
7 - He deserves to play for a franchise with a history of success
The Leafs haven’t won a Cup since anyone can remember. No one even knows what year it was. It’s impossible to find out. Lost forever to history. Buried under the sands of time.
Meanwhile, the Lightning have won a Cup this century and have been deep in the playoffs three of the last four years. A great player like Nylander deserves to be on a team that takes its success and history seriously.
8 - He wants to fulfill his dream of playing with Steven Stamkos
Nylander has made no secret of his admiration for Stamkos. He made his debut against the Lighnting and said, “Standing in front of Stamkos, you know you’re in NHL.” Clearly his lifelong dream is to play with the Lightning captain. And he deserves to realize that dream.
9 - Same color jerseys
The Leafs, being such a disgrace to hockey for not having won a Cup since so long ago that no one can remember the exact year, are fortunate to have the Lightning wear a similar color scheme and bring some respect back to the blue and white sweater. We’ve seen Nylander in the wrong blue and white for too long.
10 - I’m bored
This one’s pretty self explanatory. I’m bored and I would like the Lightning to trade for William Nylander so that I can feel something for once in my sorry excuse for a life.
11 - Lists are fun
This is more of a reason for me to write this article than for the Lightning to trade for Nylander. But seriously, lists are fun. I’ve been blogging for years and never done this. Let me try it just once. Get off my back. I’ll write something better next week.
12 - The blog needs content
Listen, articles about Brayden Point’s powerplay performance don’t feed my family. We need page views. And getting page views is all about that sweet sweet “The Tampa Bay Lightning trade for William Nylander of the Toronto Maple Leafs” SEO, baby. Please, JBB. Think of the page views. Especially if well-known angry Leafs bloggers excerpt just enough of this to get the whole fanbase mad online.
13 - The inevitable lockout
We’re going to have a lockout after next season. It’s probably going to last like five years. We might never see an NHL hockey game again. So who cares about the future? Try to win now at all costs. The salary cap won’t matter in two years because the league is going to supernova and we’ll all start watching a better sport like basketball or handball or something.
14 - Super teams
The Golden State Warriors. You love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you don’t follow basketball at all and you don’t get this reference. Whatever the case, we all have to agree, super teams are good for business. And I nominate the Lightning to be the NHL’s super team.
Stamkos, Point, Nikita Kucherov, Hedman, Ryan McDonagh, Andrei Vasilevskiy. Let’s add Nylander and Karlsson and now we’ve got something. For the record, any other team being a super team is actually bad for the game and the league should step in to prevent it from happening.
15 - He can have a normal life here
Toronto is a nightmare hellscape of hockey paparazzi (hockarzzi?) ceaseless in their quest to expose the most private moments of every NHL player in the city. Tampa is chill. You can like, go to Best Buy and grab a vacuum cleaner or whatever. Go pick up some chicken nuggets without having to sign someone’s takeout bag. Go to a Rays game and get drunk and yell at the umps all night. No one will care. We’re too busy trying to make sure Hulk Hogan isn’t around.
16 - The Lightning need more passing
I get tired of watching this team take low quality shots instead of trying to keep possession and look for something better. It’s honestly exhausting. If this team gets Nylander, maybe we can finally see a pass in the offensive zone for once.
17 - Having the best two players from the 2014 NHL draft
The Lightning already have the best player from the 2014 NHL draft. That’s Brayden Point. And getting Nylander would give them the top two players from that draft. Unless they don’t get Nylander. Then Nikolaj Ehlers is the second best.
18 - His hair
This article is a couple years old now but it remains a tour-de-force. William Nylander’s hair is majestic. And it deserves to be in Tampa Bay where it won’t be hidden under a hat for half the year.
19 - Beating the leafs will be even better
Beating the Leafs is always good. Beating them when they’re mad they lost Nylander? Even better. Beating them in the playoffs? Even more better. Beating them in the playoffs after trailing 4-1 in game seven and Nylander scores the game winner in overtime? Extravagant.
20 - Nylander scoring in an outdoor game in Tampa would be wonderful
Tampa is going to get an outdoor game. Everyone is going to get mad. They will say it cheapens the spectacle. Hockey should be played in the Great White North blah blah blah. But then William Nylander will score a beauty and we will cheer so loudly that it drowns the cries of those in the North as their tears fall forming their own outdoor rink where William Nylander doesn’t play hockey. Because he plays in Tampa Bay.
21 - He seems cool
Not much to this one. Just seems like kind of a cool guy. Like a fun dude to have on the team. No big deal.
22 - Slater Koekkoek wears 29
Hear me out. The issue with Slater Koekkoek is his number. He’s under some kind of numerological curse that is causing him to struggle. But he can’t just change numbers. Someone has to come in and take the number away, lifting the curse, and freeing him to fulfill the promise he showed as a first-round pick. The only hero to break the spell is William Nylander.
23 - We need to find out which of the new GMs is best
Some people think Dubas is the best new GM in the league. Some people think it’s BriseBois. Only way to settle this? A trade duel. Lock them both in a room until they come to an agreement and let the public decide who got the better of the negotiations. Also, put it on TV. Also, maybe don’t lock the room. Let them go home and sleep or whatever. And get them some snacks.
24 - I’m tired of trades with the Rangers and Habs
Seriously, can we trade with someone else? I’m putting an embargo on former Rangers players until further notice. Unless Rick Nash wants to sign in the spring for the playoff run. That’d be fun.
25 - The buds will never be all day again
Enough with the Buds. Why do they always have to be all day? Give them a day off. It’s ridiculous. You’re going to burn them out. Just let them be part-time for a while so they can rediscover why they even became Buds in the first place.
26 - All the Toronto snowbirds can give in and become Lighting fans
Dear Snowbirds Who Live Here All Winter And Root For The Lightning Every Game Except When The Leafs Are In Town,
You know you want to switch to being permanent Lightning fans. I can see it in your eyes. You want to cheer every Lightning goal even though you’re wearing a Leafs jersey. Just give in. Here’s your excuse. Follow your heart and switch sides when the Lightning trade for Nylander.
27 - He seems like he would like Florida
Shorts and flip-flops all year. Beachfront living. Seems like he would dig it.
28 - The Lightning are playing in Sweden next year
The Lightning are likely going to be playing in the Global Series in Sweden next fall. Even more reason to load up on Swedes. It’s already going to be fun with Hedman going back home. Maybe Stralman too. Add in Nylander? And Karlsson? One second, I need to go book my flights.
29 - Everyone’s takes are bad and I want it to be over
This is the most important reason. By far. Everyone’s takes are bad. This article is bad. Everything is bad.
The insiders reporting nothing on top of nothing where whatever hint of news might have existed is buried in an overwhelming wave of waffling and weasel words. People’s bad trade proposals. The word “Melander.” “Dubas is blowing it!” “Nylander is selfish!” Good lord. Enough already.
--Editor’s Note: The Lightning should not actually trade for William Nylander. The cost will be prohibitive and the salary cap is a real thing that exists.