Email leaked* to Raw Charge: NHL tells Brad Marchand, Please keep your mouth to yourself

Brad Marchand purportedly facing “severe discipline” for constantly licking and biting everyone. *Not actually leaked to Raw Charge.

Raw Charge has learned that following last night’s 4-2 loss to the Tampa Bay Lightning, Boston Bruins’ forward Brad Marchand received a formal request from the NHL to “keep your mouth to yourself.” The leaked email went on to praise Marchand by saying that “You are a big boy now,” but reinforced the desire to change his behavior by following with “...and big boys keep their mouths to themselves.”

Marchand is an excellent player who scored 85 points in just 68 games during the regular season. He could have scored even more if he hadn’t been suspended five games for a head shot to Devils’ forward Marcus Johansson. Marchand followed that bad hit with a crosscheck to the face of Andrew MacDonald later in the season, somehow earning just a five-thousand-dollar fine.

The latest incidents for Marchand are less about what he’s doing to other people’s faces, and more about how he’s using his own face. In the first round of the playoffs, he licked Leo Komarov on the cheek.

A source described the lick to Raw Charge as “totally gross” and went on to say, “seriously, who even does that?”

Marchand continued to let his oral fixation get the best of him last night when he appeared to chew on the official’s shirt during a scrum.

Another source who is definitely not the source above and also definitely not me described this incident as, “just really weird honestly.” The source continued when pressed, “The guy is a menace and should have to wear a full cage until he can learn to act like a human being.”

The NHL is not known for taking swift action in cases like this but Raw Charge is pleased to report this morning the league has come down hard on the Bruins. In an unprecedented move, the NHL is requiring Boston to hire Supernanny Jo Frost as an assistant coach for the remainder of the playoffs.

The NHL release leaked* to Raw Charge said, “We feel Supernanny has the skill set to modify the behavior of a stubborn boy. Her expertise in this area will be key to ensuring a safe and healthy remainder of the playoffs. We feel confident she will prevent Bradley from engaging in this gross-ass nonsense and stop putting his weird little rat mouth on anyone within five feet of him.”

Raw Charge was fortunate to speak with Supernanny briefly before she boarded her flight to Boston this morning. She indicated that she will be implementing a sticker chart where “Bradley” will receive a sticker for every day that he keep his tongue and teeth off the bodies of other people during hockey games. If he can get all of his stickers in a week, he will be rewarded by choosing a toy out of the toy chest.

Supernanny relayed to Raw Charge that she had an initial conversation with Marchand about her plan and he was excited to get started. She played a recording of their call wherein Marchand says, “Oh man are there any Pokemons in there ‘cause Pokemons are my favorite I promise I’ll be a good boy if I can get a Pokemon.” Supernnany indicated that there would in fact be Pokemons in the toy chest and felt good about her chances of success with Bradley because of that.

Raw Charge will continue to monitor this story as it develops and continue having real conversations with our real sources, who, as I said, are extremely real.

*Not actually leaked. It’s a joke. Honest.

Kudos to Geo and Seldo for helping come up with this concept. And yes, this is obviously a joke. Please don’t get mad at me. [Kudos also to Acha for removing all the f-bombs that somehow showed up.]