From the inside out: My initial foray into the exciting world of NHL rumor mongering

Regular readers know that Raw Charge is a rumor-free zone amid the world of hockey blogs and that mongers of those rumors are not welcome. It's something that the management simply doesn't have a high opinion of and so it's not allowed.

The reasoning behind this philosophy is that the Internet is already packed to overflowing with self-important blowhards touting their vast network of unnamed, inside sources who rarely if ever actually deliver real news or information of any value.

Raw Charge has never engaged in "throwing it against the wall and seeing if it sticks" (Seriously, what kind of maniac throws stuff at walls hoping it stays there? That's an even less suitable journalistic practice than it is an interior decorating technique) and has no room for the kind of irresponsible, empty-headed punditry masquerading as expert analysis that overruns the hockey universe like a freight train made out of Bubonic plague every year around the trade deadline....

...Until now.

That's because I've decided I want to be an insider. I want to be the shadowy figure who sneaks around and tries to hear stuff before people say it. I want to be somebody who blows the lid off ALL the big stories, even the ones that actually happen. I want to be the guy who continues to give bloggers a bad name (even though bloggers aren't the only ones who engage in this kind of thing). Now that there are on-line tutorials how to do it, and since I have a Twitter account and I don't get enough attention, what's to stop me? Nothing! Back off John and Cassie; it's about to get real (real dumb) up in this piece!

Now, I'm not going to completely betray the Raw Charge credo. I'm not going to flat-out lie. In fact, even though you aren't going to hear about any of the stuff I'm about to share with you anywhere else, I will personally guarantee that it's all 100% true. Solid gold plated, lead-pipe, double-whammy locks!

(WARNING: What you are about to read is incredibly stupid, yet still contains more truth than you're liable to find in any 10 Twitter feeds from garden variety NHL rumor mongers combined. Do not proceed if YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!)

  • There's no official word...YET...on whether or not forward Martin St. Louis has a cat or if he even likes cats, but it's safe to assume that if he does, he prefers the fluffy kind (because the hairless ones are kind of creepy).
  • You want some scoop on Lightning general manager Steve Yzerman? I gotcha covered. Check it out: At lunch time, he either goes out to a nearby restaurant or eats a small snack and has dinner later. He probably does one of these two things almost EVERY SINGLE DAY.
  • That thing you do when you pound the glass when there are players battling for a puck along the boards? It has no effect on them. And even if it did, common sense should tell you that it would apply to both home and visiting players equally, so you're really not helping or hurting. You are being, at best, completely ineffectual. That means you should STOP IT (this only applies to those jackasses who are even more attention-starved than I am and who somehow get their hands on front row seats).
  • Goaltender Dwayne Roloson is old enough to have voted in the 1988 U.S. Presidential election, BUT HE DIDN'T. Was he making a political statement about his general dissatisfaction with not only the individual nominated candidates (George H.W. Bush and Michael Dukakis) but with what could be perceived as inherent flaws in the "two party" system itself by refusing to participate in the democratic process? As it turns out, NO! Because as a Canadien, he WAS INELIGIBLE.
  • The word on the street is that owner Jeff Vinik is good at making money but IT'S MORE ACCURATE to say that he's good at acquiring it, investing it soundly and retaining it.
  • Lightning captain Vincent Lecavalier speaks a secret code language instead of English sometimes. There is ABSOLUTELY NO POSSIBLE WAY of telling what it is, but some of the players and coaches understand it and speak it too!
  • A lot of people would look at in-arena host Brittany Zion and say, "oh, she's an attractive woman" but THE TRUTH IS she's also very nice.
  • Head coach Guy Boucher has a scar on the right side of his face. But if someone were to view pictures of him in which the image had been reversed, either by accidentally inverting a photographic negative or purposely manipulating the image with a computer program or mirror, the scar would appear to be ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HIS FACE!
  • Thunderbug? NOT actually an insect!

Boom. There you have it.