Nothing happened in the NHL yesterday other than I think the Devils played somebody? Who cares. So what you’re getting from me is a stream of consciousness analysis of the Atlantic Division as Thanksgiving side dishes. If you don’t like that idea, you’re right. It’s a bad idea. And I’m sorry.
Boston Bruins
The Boston Bruins are green bean casserole. I hated it as a kid but as I grew older, I developed a begrudging respect. It’s a good side. I still harbor some of those ill feelings from childhood but every time I take a bite I have to admit, damn, this is pretty good.
Florida Panthers
The Florida Panthers are canned cranberry sauce because everyone just forgets it’s on the table. Some people hate it. Some people like it. But mostly, people just forget it exists. Sorry, Panthers.
Toronto Maple Leafs
The Leafs are candied yams. Lots of people claim to like them but I can only tolerate them in extremely small doses. After a couple bites, I’m already tired of it. Get these marshmallow covered tubers out of my face. Put them on the other side of the table where I don’t have to look at them. Enough already. I don’t even want to hear the words “candied yams.” I’m over it.
Montreal Canadiens
The Habs are boxed stuffing. They used to be homemade but now they’re a cheap mass produced version of what they once were. People pretend this new version is as good as the old one but we all know it’s not. Every year, Marc Bergevin says he’s going to make it the right way. But at the last minute, he panics and buys a box. Coward.
Tampa Bay Lightning
The Lightning are macaroni and cheese. A delightful side. Everyone loves it. When prepared well, it’s the best thing on the table aside from the turkey. But it can also be a little too rich sometimes. It needs to be well balanced. Getting a little crispiness to go with all that rich cheesiness brings out the best in it.
Buffalo Sabres
The Sabres are mashed potatoes. Always present, often an afterthought, rarely great. Best case scenario, they’re the third or fourth best thing on my plate. But in most cases, it’s worse than that. If the mashed potatoes are the second best side, that’s a huge success. Maybe someday they’ll be the best side. But I doubt any of us will live to see it.
Ottawa Senators
The Sens are roasted vegetables. Why are they even on my plate? I mean, they’re fine. I don’t have anything against them. But I have better things to do on Thanksgiving than eat vegetables that taste a little bit like turkey. Just give me more turkey.
Detroit Red Wings
The Wings are bread rolls. Except they’re burnt. Someone forgot they were in the oven and now they look like charcoal and the fire alarm is going off. Don’t even think about tasting them. Awful. Can’t be salvaged. Straight into the garbage and try again next year.
